a party tonight (I miss my jesspeth)

So, my party will be tonight. That being the case, of course I am morose. I feel like I little kid, putting on her mother's giant high heeled shoes and thinking she looks grown up.

I wanted, for some reason, a big party filled with drunken-silly people. (Not throwing up, blacking out drunk, of course -- just tipsy & uninhibited.) I don't know why -- I just did. Unfortunately I am still too uptight to be that person knowingly, and so without a co-host who knows how to get this going, I expect I'm doomed to another one of my standard nice pleasant parties.

Not that there is anything wrong with the sort of parties I succeed in having; and I will surely enjoy it once people are here; but...